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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Today

I apologize for the horribly boring title - I was at a loss for anything a whole lot better. I thought, if I'm going to make the title simple, I should make it super simple. And so I did. Ta-da. Anyway, here's today's story:

Got up early this morning to go to a very special event: the NEDA walk (National Eating Disorders Association). I wasn't real worried about seeing other stick-thin bony girls there, until it actually happened. Maybe a hundred yards away from the car, and I passed one of those obviously anorexic girls. Oh and in case you didn't know already, I have struggled with anorexia for a year and a half now. Well, I wouldn't consider myself struggling anymore, but I'm still recovering. Anyway, right as we approach the registration booth there's another one of "those girls". And another. Thankfully, that was all I saw from that moment on. Except another mental trigger for the bad thoughts was when this former anorexic 16-year-old came up on stage and shared her story. I feel horrible - that was not an easy thing to do, and I heard from another lady about all the wonderful things she's done for this cause. But I couldn't help but envy her when I heard about how much worse her symptoms were than mine. Now, all you rational-thinking people out there probably think I'm nuts - and to a certain degree, that's true - but you have to go through it to understand the feeling. Looking from the outside in, you think "Why the hell would you want these things to happen to you? Be grateful they didn't!" However, you see, it's a chain of causes that lead way back to the original reason why these symptoms are "good". Let's take blue toenails and fingernails for example: your nails are blue because A)you aren't getting proper blood circulation, and B) your body temperature is unusually low.You aren't getting proper circulation because your heart is no longer strong enough to pump blood all the way to those areas. Your body temperature is low because your body doesn't have the calories to spare to keep your body warm. Same reason for your heart not pumping strong enough. Then that all traces back to you starving yourself, and if you have all these symptoms, it means to the victim of the eating disorder that they are doing a "good job" of starving themselves. And, almost inevitably, if you are starving yourself, you must be pretty damn thin. And now you know why to an anorexic/bulimic that these nasty symptoms seem good. Makes sense, right? I didn't think so either.

Anyway, that was just a mere smidgen of my day. Much more positive things came. So it was a 0.9 mile walk, and at the end I tried this weird type of soda called diet cane cola. It was interesting enough, but I think most of it's appeal came from the fact that it came in one of those authentic glass bottles (clink clink - tee hee). Apart from the walk, there was an art show going on downtown. The first one we came to was a booth being managed by a chunky guy who was really trying to sell some stuff. The minute he saw my family with 3 females, he knew he hit the jackpot (no, not in that way; just money.). Predictably, the three of us all ogled over the sparkly stuff. Chunky man bargained with us, saying "I'll give y'all a discount, just for the ladies." And that's where I got this lovely diamond bracelet:

So we continued browsing; I got a second birthday gift for my sis (she's turning 10! double digits!), a 7x10 photo, 'bout $15. Got some crappy seafood from a booth, but I was starving so I didn't really give a crap. Oh, and how could I forget! I tried a new wacky food today: liquid nitrogen ice cream. Sounds dangerous, huh? Don't jump to conclusions. It was absolutely mouthwatering. Quite possibly equal in deliciousness to regular ice cream. What's more is that it's easy to make at home and it finishes in minutes and only minutes. Click on the link if you would like the recipe. Enjoy! :)
http://chemistry.about.com/od/demonstrationsexperiments/ht/n2icecream.htm?p=1

Anyway, as you can tell, it was a lovely day. Slight breeze, sun filtered through thick, lush trees, and the entertainment of talking with other walkers while discovering what mysterious breed of dog they own (for the record, one of the breeds was a catahoula - an Australian shepherd looking thing, only with short hair).

Stay tuned! Don't worry! Be happy! :-D
~sleepinl8

6 comments:

  1. Great post! Glad you had a good day! As for the anorexia...what makes sense is what the person is believing at the moment right? I went through something similar for years, and others would tell me crap like "snap out of it" or just plain look at me with disgust, assuming I was psychotically disturbed. In my case, what I was doing made perfect sense to me because there was both a cause and effect. The cause was emotional, but the effect was calming, so why stop? I still struggle with self-injury, though I haven't cut in over a year. I came out and announced my story to the world a few years ago, and it released a hell of a lot of shame I had. I also gave me the strength to face it and do my best to conquer my wonky instincts. Good for you honey.

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  2. I totally get it. I have heard my share of "just get over it!". I have a couple of friends who cut themselves. Really, it's all about control. Good for you for getting your story out. And yes, I'm sure there were plenty of shameful things to admit. But, hey, no pain no gain, right? (That was not meant as a means of getting you thinkin' 'bout cuttin' yourself again, okay? lol)

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  3. Oh no worries! I've never been triggered by anything other than myself! My thing was that I had such bad panic and anxiety disorder, even heavy meds weren't working. The cut causes a rush of adrenaline to flow through the body, so it would instantly calm the panic. That was my solution for 6 years after I suffered my work burnout in 2003. I finally got myself on some natural remedies and they work so well, that I don't feel the need to do it! But it's very true, from pain does come gain! :)

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  4. LOVE your blog! can relate to it so much love the way you tell it.

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  5. Hmm... some picture, please? :)

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  6. ugh i took a photo of the bracelet but then it got lost to some mysterious place in my computer files :/

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