All My Pics

Thursday, January 6, 2011

New Year, Old Problems

Ah. The most common resolution ever - "I want to lose weight". It's everywhere. I wouldn't be so hyper sensitive to every Nutrisystem or HydroxyCut commercial if I hadn't gone through treatment. In every hour I spent in therapy, and every video I watched about America's obsession with weight, it taught me more and more what the "unacceptable" terms. "Cut back, restrict, lose weight, thin(ner), fattening, junk food, bad food, never eat this and that, thin=happy, dieting, fat=ugly, sad, disliked" yadda yadda... Whenever I hear those terms or any terms related to that, the TV might as well have yelled my name. It's like dunking my head in ice cold water. In fact, I almost feel guilty for even seeing/hearing it - by accident, even. I know what I have to keep in mind: none of that shit works. New fads every day, yet the nation's obesity rate continues ascending. I am just NOT looking forward to going back to school and hearing every skinny bitch gab about there resolution to lose weight, while I have to maintain a weight that is uncomfortable to me, and in the eyes of my warped perception is kind of chubby. Yes, I am aware that the majority of them aren't going to stick to it, but I can't help but feel really triggered. That is why I had so much trouble with the other adolescent girls in treatment - I was the elephant in the room (literally, in a way!). I'm not saying that I dislike anyone else who struggles with an eating disorder (y'all and anyone else who likes my blog are free to comment and ask for advice). I only have a problem seeing them in person (this is where the blog comes in handy), because it is such a bad opportunity for me to compare bodies and tell myself how much I don't measure up, and how bad I look next to them.

I'm also pretty concerned about all this weight loss crap getting to my sister's head. She has always been a perfect weight. Always ate healthy and played outside. Nothing needs to change. She is extremely resilient. But now she's getting older, quickly approaching the age when she will really start caring about her looks, and hating her body (in a normal adolescent hormonal way). She's been talking about what's fattening and what's light a lot more lately. This may just be a temporary effect of everyone talking about how much weight they gained over the holidays, and Valerie Burtnelli talking about how "Jenny Craig worked for me! Try it today!". But maybe not. I have a history of mental illness in my family, but it's not super frequent. Definitely an avoidable genetic trait. And I try to tell myself how much less likely she is to come down with an eating disorder, since she has the polar opposite personality of me. But the possibility dangles in front of my face like a tarantula... Plus, regardless of any media interference, there's a whole other factor - uh, me! What about all the things I gripe about? What about every time she sees me get anxious and go for a safe, light food instead of taking a challenge? Does she compare her body to mine, thinking she needs to lose weight? I'll never know, and if I ever find out, it will already be too late. Not too late as in there's no hope of getting help for her, I mean too late as in she has already become a hostess to anorexia. The diagnosis is set. It's official. You see, jealousy would eat me alive if she got the label of "anorexic". Another statement from the distorted part of my perception: to me, that label is prestigious, makes one unique, makes one appear thicker skinned than others, stronger, having complete self control, and, I guess you could say it puts them in the "upper middle class" of social status. And, most of all, that label is.....MINE. I am working on that problem and it has let up on my mind a little bit. Whew- OK. I'm sane now. Calmed down. Got that off my chest. Anyways my <3 goes out to all of you!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A day in D.C.

Just spent the whole day wandering the streets of DC with my fam. My grandma officially retired today (yay 4 her) and there was a big reception. My sister and I made fun of the typical "oohs" and "ahhs" and "awws" and "hahahas" that the crowd forced out at all the right moments. This was hilarious - one of th guys she worked with looked EXACTLY like Glenn Beck. I had a piece of cake, and I ended up with an upset stomach and a (very) upset mind. Then they suggested we go to a museum, which was nice. The only problem was that, in the mammal section, there was about 5 preserved dead kangaroo bodies following eachother to display rhe jumping motion of kangaroos. I thought "ummm... how many kangaroos do you have to kill to show that it's a freaking kangaroo lol!". Yes, this is the 21st century, thats what video is for, if you so desperately wanted to see a kangaroo jump. OK, i have made my point. Meanwhile, we headed down to a nice, classy grill. A bowl of mints sat on the counter near the hostess's desk, and I LOVE peppermints. So I made a beeline for the mint bowl, stuffed 16 mints into my pocket. Enough to last me 2 weeks and 2 days :). What, ya got a problem with that? I gotta take what's free, we're in a recession people! (lol jk). Anyways, we ate, then walked around all the monuments and political houses. I looked like a sherpa, I was all bundled up and at the point of "I can't put my arms down!" (love that movie). We hopped on the metro, and my sister and I were goofing around and being obnoxious. Apparently someone thought we were super cute, because this lovey-dovey couple in front of us snapped a picture of us. I was like "um, ok, that's not weird..." And, now, here I am. My day in breifs.
Happy new year make some good resolutions!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Tired of Relaxing?

Ha. I never thought I'd say this, But I'm pretty ready for break to be over. I always complain that school is just too stressful and I have too much work. And now I got what I wanted... I guess. Where is the happy medium? lol. See how bored I am? Look how much space I can waste typing about being bored lol! Well... not my hottest scoop ever. But, anyway, y'all come back now! (pardon my hickness lol)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Thank God for cameras

Wow, holy cow. I was just in Connecticut and the snow was astonishing. Most people wouldn't think it so wonderful, but to me the scenery was like the eighth wonder of the world. I used up my SIM card from taking too many pics. I'll post them later.