New Year, Old Problems

Ah. The most common resolution ever - "I want to lose weight". It's everywhere. I wouldn't be so hyper sensitive to every Nutrisystem or HydroxyCut commercial if I hadn't gone through treatment. In every hour I spent in therapy, and every video I watched about America's obsession with weight, it taught me more and more what the "unacceptable" terms. "Cut back, restrict, lose weight, thin(ner), fattening, junk food, bad food, never eat this and that, thin=happy, dieting, fat=ugly, sad, disliked" yadda yadda... Whenever I hear those terms or any terms related to that, the TV might as well have yelled my name. It's like dunking my head in ice cold water. In fact, I almost feel guilty for even seeing/hearing it - by accident, even. I know what I have to keep in mind: none of that shit works. New fads every day, yet the nation's obesity rate continues ascending. I am just NOT looking forward to going back to school and hearing every skinny bitch gab about there resolution to lose weight, while I have to maintain a weight that is uncomfortable to me, and in the eyes of my warped perception is kind of chubby. Yes, I am aware that the majority of them aren't going to stick to it, but I can't help but feel really triggered. That is why I had so much trouble with the other adolescent girls in treatment - I was the elephant in the room (literally, in a way!). I'm not saying that I dislike anyone else who struggles with an eating disorder (y'all and anyone else who likes my blog are free to comment and ask for advice). I only have a problem seeing them in person (this is where the blog comes in handy), because it is such a bad opportunity for me to compare bodies and tell myself how much I don't measure up, and how bad I look next to them.

I'm also pretty concerned about all this weight loss crap getting to my sister's head. She has always been a perfect weight. Always ate healthy and played outside. Nothing needs to change. She is extremely resilient. But now she's getting older, quickly approaching the age when she will really start caring about her looks, and hating her body (in a normal adolescent hormonal way). She's been talking about what's fattening and what's light a lot more lately. This may just be a temporary effect of everyone talking about how much weight they gained over the holidays, and Valerie Burtnelli talking about how "Jenny Craig worked for me! Try it today!". But maybe not. I have a history of mental illness in my family, but it's not super frequent. Definitely an avoidable genetic trait. And I try to tell myself how much less likely she is to come down with an eating disorder, since she has the polar opposite personality of me. But the possibility dangles in front of my face like a tarantula... Plus, regardless of any media interference, there's a whole other factor - uh, me! What about all the things I gripe about? What about every time she sees me get anxious and go for a safe, light food instead of taking a challenge? Does she compare her body to mine, thinking she needs to lose weight? I'll never know, and if I ever find out, it will already be too late. Not too late as in there's no hope of getting help for her, I mean too late as in she has already become a hostess to anorexia. The diagnosis is set. It's official. You see, jealousy would eat me alive if she got the label of "anorexic". Another statement from the distorted part of my perception: to me, that label is prestigious, makes one unique, makes one appear thicker skinned than others, stronger, having complete self control, and, I guess you could say it puts them in the "upper middle class" of social status. And, most of all, that label is.....MINE. I am working on that problem and it has let up on my mind a little bit. Whew- OK. I'm sane now. Calmed down. Got that off my chest. Anyways my <3 goes out to all of you!
~sleepinl8