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Saturday, September 10, 2011

Let Me Out... Please

When people say that childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to get over... They weren't kidding, huh?

Even though its only about 4 weeks into the school year, I'm already hating 8th grade. Most of my friends have left me behind. I can't focus on anything anymore. I can barely get the determination to sit and post on this blog. I used to be such an overachiever who always got everything done in time. I used to have everything worked out on my own, for the most part. What's happened to me?

I haven't turned in one assignment on time in the past month. I haven't yet caught the bus without making a mad dash to the bus stop. I haven't left school even slightly content with me day so far. I'm terribly depressed in all my classes, mostly due to loneliness. In a way, loneliness is a sort of fear for me, but it's something I can't change once I'm feeling it. I guess that's probably why I fear it so much.

I just wish everyone could understand my depression - I'm not shy, I'm not snobbish, I'm not anti-social. I'm just surrounded by this foggy cloud that looms around my head 24/7. I want people to know that this is not who I am. Depression is not my identity. Loneliness is not what I want.

Even my very best friends seem to be moving upward and onward without me. Sure, they still talk to me and like me - but something's changed. There are people I didn't know they were friends with, things I didn't know they regularly participated in - I feel so out of it. And the worst part is, they assume that my dead expressions and tired attitude mean "I don't care". So, naturally, they just find someone more lively to talk to.

Should I just put on an act? I know pretending to be someone your not isn't the right thing to do, but it seems faking my feelings might be the only thing to bring me closer to others. Problem is, that's nearly impossible for me to do. I can't just shove my depression under the bed - it's carved into everything I say and do, everywhere I go, how I react, the way I see things. I've lost my gift of humor somewhere along the way this past summer. I'm no longer any help to people who need advice, like I always was before. All the gifts of my character have been taken... and my flaws remain.

I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I've never questioned how I pray and what I pray about before, but now I'm beginning to. Am I praying too much for myself? Or is it OK to incessantly request aid in wishing away the hazy fog that follows me? Should I offer to do good deeds that please God when I pray for help from Him? Am I not doing enough on my own to change? Am I not believing in Him enough? Am I not doing enough to worship Him?

I just don't know. My brain is a total mess as is... I needn't further confuse myself. My apologies for the pity party. There's nothing else to post about since I'm not a virtuoso in photography or creative writing, nor am I traveling the world as a church missionary.


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